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  arrow pointing to the right   Home arrow My Thoughts arrow Pop Culture arrow Pop Culture arrow Orgasm In My Mind

Orgasm In My Mind PDF Print E-mail

Orgasms on the Mind

Musing about our bodies and our minds from a Humanist perspective.

How to Love Me - my heart and my body are connected

Brainpickings has a great article about stress, orgasm and how the brain and vagina conspire in consciousness.  And I wanted to share the article here ( because, well, it’s geeky and it’s cool and it’s important and dammit, I’m a woman and this matters.

Orgasms for women are a bit of a tricky thing. Our entire neurobiology is involved in it. I am lucky that I am currently involved in a long term monogamous relationship that is highly conducive to good orgasms for me. But a lot of women, so I’m told, have never experienced an orgasm, or aren’t sure if they have. And that’s a sad state of affairs.

This is probably, as the article points out, because only a portion of their nervous system is being made love to at any given time so the entirety of the possible orgasmic response women are capable of is limited to that which is stimulated and because of all that is suppressed due to stress, fear, uncertainty or whatever and therefore doesn’t get engaged. This suppression of aspects of our body limits things. When this happens, sex can be good, but not great.

I know from personal experience that I have to feel relaxed and secure to really allow myself to enter the altered state of consciousness that is a full orgasm. It’s almost a meditative state where my brain slowly is switched off so that I can relax and enjoy the experience fully.  Since I am currently in the sort of relationship that allows me to fairly regularly enter this altered state, I have no intention of jeopardizing my relationship at all because that would throw me back to the mercy of uncertain relationships where I won’t be able to relax fully to experience an altered state type of orgasm. And they really are so much better than run of the mill sex that I’m not interested in ever going back.

For me, it’s literally the stability of my married relationship and the full trust I have in my husband that allows me to experience the level of relaxation and orgasm that I do.  I doubt he could do this for other women and I doubt another man could do it for me. The secret is the quality of the relationship itself.

This brings me to the sex positive movement. I’m all for releasing inhibitions and allowing yourself to experience sex fully and without guilt so that you can relax and enjoy it and have a mind blowing orgasm.  I feel like I am the poster child for what is possible in a way because I have the luck to be able to experience that sort of sex, basically, whenever I want to. And that is why I feel pretty confident when I say, I think the idea that meaningless sex and random encounters for women as a way towards sexual liberation is not necessarily the right way to encourage mind blowing liberated sex.

It’s ok for some women, if that’s what they want and that’s what works for them. I am certainly not one to judge. I just know that it’s not right for me. And judging from some of the reporters I’ve given interviews on regarding this, I’m not alone. I feel pretty confident in saying that while the hook up culture may work for some women, I’m not the only woman whose full sexual potential is actually suppressed by the hookup approach. And, as a result, I don’t view that approach as sex positive. Because for me it isn’t.
For me to truly experience all that sex can be I need to be in a secure, safe relationship with the person I am having sex with in order to relax enough to have my mind blown.  There are probably a lot of women who are like me, and given the research presented in the BrainPicking’s article, I doubt we are in the minority.

So can we enlightened folks please stop recycling the “free love” mantra that it’s all good. Can we please occasionally recognize, that no – it’s not all good - without being labelled sex negative?  

Releasing guilt is hugely important to good sex, but that doesn’t mean that that’s the only thing we need to have good sex. The relationship in which the sex occurs matters too. And yes, one night stands with people you don’t know is itself a type of relationship – even if it is super casual one. Unless you are masturbating alone, sex involves other people and those other people matter. And how you feel about them or don’t feel about them matters too. Whether you have a nagging fear in the back of your mind that you might currently be contracting a sexual disease does impact your enjoyment of sex in the moment. All of this and more plays into a women’s sense of sexuality and impacts her ultimate enjoyment of the experience.

So can we please stop focusing on guilt free sex and start talking about our quest for quality sex instead? And yes, I realize that talking about quality necessarily implies that some sex is better than other sex. But that’s the point! Some sex is better than other sex. Let’s stop pretending, in the name of encouraging guilt free sex, that some sex isn’t horrid and that some sex doesn’t come with nasty consequences and side effects, because some sex does.

On the other hand, not all sex is bad either. Some sex is mind blowing and awesome and has great consequences. Our goal needs to be both the elimination of guilt coupled with the acceptance that when it comes to sex, choices matter. Encouraging women towards sexual liberation is not true liberation if it encourages us to engage in sex that is potentially harmful to us, or sex that isn’t likely to be emotionally satisfying, safe and/or secure for many women.

Let’s teach women (and men) what science tells us are the necessary components for mind blowing sex for most people so that they can seek that out. The fact that emotionally secure relationships are a component of mind blowing sex for a lot of women does not mean we are being prudes if we seek that out. It means we are being smart about our sexual choices and about what works for us. If you choose differently, that’s fine. But at least acknowledge that monogamous sex and careful choice of sex partners is also a way to be sex positive.

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